caving in to you

“you sure you don’t need a torch?”

“i’m good”

yea bloody right good i am.

I am in Antiparos, Greece. I am aged eighteen, figuring out why the hell I would need a torch to enter a cave. I am convincing myself that I’ll find my way without a torch. Buckling my ripped boots, I tuck my hair into a braid. I jump into the entrance of the cave.

“hush now baby”, i heard a mellow voice somewhere deep in the cave. i dug my own grave that very night. woke up the next morning with an indescribable pain, fingers and toes ripped apart. my skin grazed with abrasions. my face slapped in every other direction. i open my eyes to a man. he smiles, reassures me it was all just a nightmare.

“i’m here now” he whispers.

when you’re all alone in a dark cave with the sunlight barely peeking through the cracks, you become a vulnerable little lamb. mary’s stupid little lamb. and so, i became that gullible girl in the red hood, trusting a man smiling menacingly.

“hold my hand” he whispers.

and so, i did. i held onto his wide palms innocently, trusting he was leading me to great adventures every step of the way. he tugged my hair roughly and smothered my face into ย the river bank, as i suffocated and gasped for air. what was all that for? was he really protecting me?

“you needed to wash up didn’t you?” he asks gently. he caressed my head and cupped my tiny face between his hands. he did all that because he said he loves me. oh stupid me, how could i think he was trying to hurt me?

yet, i woke up the next morning in pain. the wolf in sheep clothing deceives me time and time again. because one night, i fell asleep and realised there was no tomorrow.

i’m eighteen, barely figuring out why he would devour me the way he did.

did i make it out of the cave eventually? or am i just trudging through another cave awaiting another voice to find me?

perhaps, i needed a torch this whole time.

but damn am i naive.

thinking i could trust comforting voices when i couldn’t even trust my own.

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